Glue

My dad got admitted to the hospital today for heart problems, a month and a half after his mom had the same admittance to the same place. It’s been a shockingly empty day full of waiting for nothing and suppressing everything so that everyone else can stay calm. I’ve been listening to my favorites playlist on repeat and listening to a comedy podcast whenever I’m focusing too much on my own thoughts.

Do you ever think about how much of your identity is tied up in one aspect of how people perceive you? I had my friend drunkenly admit to me how much he values my humor and unwillingness to put up with dumb people. Ten minutes later a girl I barely talk to drunkenly admitted how much she wanted to take me home and how she’d felt that way for ages. The day before my friend mentioned how Ian had asked again for him to “put in a good word” with me to try and convince me to consent to go out with him despite his own drunken devaluing.  Today my mother told me how much she values my intuition and my ability to handle things rationally.

I am feeling tremendously unrational underneath a thick layer of pristine makeup, dirty hair, and a warm cardigan. I know I’ll be ok. I know my dad will be ok. I have things to plan for, I built my own excuse to wear a ball gown and force my friends to hang out with me. The same friends that the girl closest to me says are “weird” and she “doesn’t want to be around them” for reasons she can’t seem to put into words. The same friends who tell me that they value me for my mind and the laughter I bring to their lives.

The world is falling apart but I’m gluing together the fringes of it that make my life bearable day by day. We’ll get there.