Personal Queries
There is an impenetrable loneliness that surrounds and veils me at all times. It’s an aura that I struggle to define between self imposed or self appointed.
I was talking to friends tonight and after being politely turned away from one on one hang outs again, I was faced with recognizing that veil in front of me again. It was the same when several of us met a new addition to the group by way of a friend’s new significant other, and had to come to terms with a small handful exchanging numbers and social media handles without me.
How much was my own imposition?
How much of my seeming island just off the coast of several mainlands exists solely within my own head and how much is a Kyoshi-fication of my personhood.
I’ve found the best way to manage such moments is not to expect nothing, because even then I find myself wondering if I could have more if I had bothered to try harder. If I expect nothing then I wonder if my baseline of not making much effort is so grotesquely unbecoming that no one would ever consider me any closer than afar.
No, my solution is to simply assume that other people assume I have better things to do. Why else would people leave you out of their orbit no matter how many asteroids you hurl at them? Small pebbles thrown into an atmosphere only burn up upon entry after all, a streak across the night sky to be wished upon and appreciated for the moment in time that it is, perhaps even carrying its own power with it.
The alternative to that is to be inflicting an unpleasantness upon someone else no matter how good your intentions may be. You are the unwanted moon pulling the waves out of motion and dashing ships against the shoreline, perhaps beautiful to see but catastrophic within range.
No, I find it much easier to elevate myself. If I only ever dress particularly well and have an easy air about me with a million irons in the fire, then I can allow myself the courtesy of thinking others see me as too good for them. Someone with too many obligations to be tied down by one outing with others.
It is incredibly egocentric, as are most things, to believe you have such a profound effect on others. But time proves liars and seers of us all and there’s only so many times you can hear a phrase like “oh I’m very busy, let me get back to you on that!” or just “well I don’t know if other people who are invited would want an outsider there” never mind that you’ve thought yourself an insider for an age.
No, egocentrism is the only way to keep yourself protected in such cases. Being superimposed upon the world and out of reach of the general public is far more feasible and bearable.
It doesn’t matter anyway, I have my safety net. I Know there are people in the world who would die for me, or at least not hesitate to ask. The problem is that net is spread too thin with holes too big to truly be of help. The best I have these days is a longing for a future that I cannot force into reality and the knowledge that my cat doesn’t understand death, thus making my sudden disappearance incredibly cruel.
But he’s not getting any younger, and neither am I.