Time Might Not be Real but I'm Still Kicking
Time is an arbitrary measurement of universal decay that makes life easier for people in general. This statement is a confluence of opinion and stone cold fact but regardless it means that at the end of one cycle around the sun people find a good opportunity to reflect both on the past and the future and I am not immune to this. Gotta love some human evolution based on light.
That being said, it’s also pretty undeniable that the past decade has been absolutely bonkers bananas in terms of new technology, the rise of new industries, and the rebirth of old franchises as the kids who grew up watching them take control of media production and find they can make fanfiction reality. Simultaneously, I don’t think anyone has to go into detail about all the horrific things that have skyrocketed in the past ten years, everything from spikes in mass gun violence that those in charge don’t care about even when it’s literally an elementary school that gets targeted to the global warming shaped sword of Damocles that perpetually hang with a match close enough to the string that we could easily blow out but won’t unless-
Scrap that, messy metaphors aside, I am exhausted of focusing on the bad in the world and would rather do what I normally do anyway which is focus on the bad in myself. I decided to post this essay both on my blog and on my Instagram underneath six separate images, three that I’ve edited in the way I normally would with all the skin perfect, waist slimming, and color correcting that that entails right next to the original photos.
I usually call myself a vain person because that feels better than just saying I’m insecure, it sounds more like I’m owning who I am and am more confident in myself but that’s not necessarily true. Over the past ten years I have slowly fallen into shape, out of shape, grown up and been reverted to childhood distress and had a whole boatload of bad things happen At me and To me that I’m not ready to talk about in a public way when one of my goals for this brand, shiny new year is getting a therapist to talk to regularly and start, you know, healing.
The problem with your brain and your body choosing to shut down in different ways at the same time is that you have to pick something to improve and I chose neither with small conciliations to both to placate the masses (my folks). I got really into skincare instead and perfecting my image with the thought of “hey if I can fix this surface level stuff then I’ll be in a better place mood-wise to tackle the big bad hard stuff!” without ever actually getting to a point where I felt like I had ~ * ~ fixed ~ * ~ any of the things I saw wrong with myself. (Actually, that’s not entirely true I got a serum a friend recommended to fix the little bumps on my forehead that are Texture that I’ve always seen and hated and that shit works like magic and I’m actually really pleased with that and also taking biotin to make my pixie cut grow out a little faster has made my nails real good and Strong so it’s a little disingenuous to say absolutely Nothing worked or changed).
My goals for a new decade, getting further into an adult lifestyle is to be harder on myself in a way that’s actually constructive as opposed to nitpicking things until I’m sitting in a cramped room full of things I bought to fill a gap in my heart and asking why I still felt empty. It’s still going out to karaoke night but getting more on the dancefloor to at least get some exercise in if I’m going to be tired the next day anyway. It’s having a regular alert on my phone so that I have specified days to do laundry or take my car in for a check up and then actually following through with the orders that I’ve given myself.
I don’t feel the need to grow more into myself as a person, I know my shortcomings and can see clear solutions to make them better. But, that kind of complacency with myself hasn’t helped me before and maybe having put that kind of emotion out into the world where others can see it will be enough of a personal shame game to actually put the work in to make a better self for myself.